Addiction and my thoughts

Addiction - people have a lot of opinions on it, well in most cases when it comes to addiction to substances. Addiction to processed foods, refined garbage, material possessions and the whole hypocrisy of that situation when compared to substance addiction - well that's another topic for another post some day..

I want to say that I have realized a few things recently about drugs and the people we love who use or have used. Or just our perspectives on others in the spotlight who have an addiction, have died from it, etc. Now this is excluding scientific perspective, I'm really just talking on the emotional perspective. I think what I have realized is that I know nothing. And that each person's situation is unique and has its own set of complexities. I mostly want to respond to people who feel that addiction is selfish or a choice. I am not totally sure that I am ready to classify it as a disease, because well, I'm just not really sure what I classify it as. But I think that at some point in someone's addiction progression, it goes beyond being a choice, it becomes a way of life, of survival. Now what is the difference between calling it a way of life/survival and calling it a disease? I really don't know. Again, these are just my thoughts.

Here's what else I think. I think it's really easy for those of us on the outside to make assumptions - and a lot of them - about addicts. When it's really our own emotions that are taking over, and dictating how we talk to and treat that person. The situation is so beyond complicated that I don't have another word for it. We will never know what that person is feeling or going through, and no matter how hard we try and fight and scream and yell, we will never be any closer to figuring it out. I have never really embraced Al-anon or those type of support groups. But I can appreciate that it calls for the loved one becoming powerless to the situation. All the jargon and the culture of the groups turned me off, I'll admit. But I did like that one aspect of it - that maybe you do need to just let go and release your grip on the situation, and know that you are powerless.

Still years later, I feel that myself and others in my family act differently around our recovering loved one. I still find myself in situations where I'm feeling anger, when it comes to him doing things that seem like they should be common sense. Let me clarify that I am in no way wanting to be judgmental or have an opinion about his current lifestyle, but only in the times where I am interacting with him am I speaking of. For example, I have been on my own journey of emotional hardship, and have been stressed out about all the clutter in the house that I live in. I go back and forth, realizing that well, it's technically not my house, it's just where I live, it belongs to my family. Yet I still think we could do better when it comes to cleaning out boxes and boxes of things. My immediate opinion towards my loved one is, you don't live here anymore, why can't you grow up and take your stuff with you? Why can't you be an adult and get rid of things? I took everything that I own out of my mother's house, why can't you? And it sort of leads back to this whole whirlwind of emotions I felt years ago. What are my emotional rights in these situations? How am I supposed to feel? I know that I want to feel more empathetic and all I really want is a loving relationship. I don't want to feel judgmental or angry. I really don't want to. I just want to have a relationship that is loving and unconditional and free of harsh judgment. Right now our relationship is that we don't really have one. In fact that kind of goes with my entire immediate family. I definitely feel a disconnect between all of us. I don't know how to change that. Between my feelings of guilt for the things I have and haven't done in my life, and whatever he may be feeling, and whatever she may be feeling.. We haven't really evolved all that much from this situation from what I can tell.

I'm kind of getting off track. Yet I'm not sure what my initial intentions were when writing this anyway. Can you see how this issue is sooooo much more complicated than just saying "He shot up in his bathroom and died? He left three young children ? That's incredibly selfish!!" Because it's just NOT that simple. When it comes to addiction and my thoughts on it, my emotions are all over the place. And I can't even begin to imagine how my loved one feels. I know that I can try harder to let him know that I love him. I can let him know that hey, I don't want to fix you, and I love you just how you are, and by the way, I know you didn't even ask for my help either, you didn't even ask for my opinions, you don't even necessarily care to know that I don't want to fix you, so really, what I really want to say is I just love you. That's all I want you to know. I want you to know also that I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn't love you. Because I do. I love you so much. I just didn't have control of myself and my emotions. I still don't really. But in the midst of all of my emotional chaos, I hope deep down that you know I always have and always will love you. I want more for our relationship, that's all I want. I want us to laugh and smile more. Maybe even have some fun once in awhile. I don't think I ever let you know that really. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to say it fully to you.